This process is to be used if you are really upset about something or someone. Sometimes we need extra steps to help us process something intense.
1. What happened?
I start with this question because it allows me to go on an unabashed binge of really letting go. I will just tell the story with all of the judgments and criticisms that are in my head, allowing them to flow unedited. Swearing and rudeness are perfectly appropriate – the goal is to just tell the truth of your thoughts. If you are saying it in your head, then it should come out on the paper. Remember, no one will see this but you so go for it! You’ll be amazed at how good it feels to just vent.
For example, you might write, “I am really angry at my boss for how she is treating everyone. She is such a bitch! She takes credit for our ideas, she yells at us in public and demeans us. She obviously has a mental illness! Why isn’t she in therapy?” And so on. Just let all the judgments and criticisms flow. This process can go on for a bit because usually when we are really pissed, there are a lot of past incidents that come to the surface too. Don’t hold back – you want to get it all out.
Step 2. What else?
This question allows us to really tap into every aspect of the upset. Again, more may come flooding to the surface – write it all down. Repeat this question until you feel done.
Step 3. What am I feeling?
We now jump to the same steps as the Seeking Clarity process. In this section, you want to focus on the emotional and physical feelings that this incident or this person evokes in you. Like, “I feel so angry I could scream. My stomach knots up and I get a strong urge to slap her!” Or maybe, “I feel crushed, disappointed and humiliated. I feel on the verge of tears but I try to keep from crying. I want to disappear so no one can see me.” Focus on the emotional and physical feelings.
If you find yourself slipping back into venting, that is OK. It just means you weren’t really done with that part so go back to Step 2 and repeat until there is nothing more to say and then revisit Step 3.
Step 4. What else?
Again, you want to make sure that everything is explored so keep going until there is nothing more to say about how you are feeling.
Step 5. What do I want?
At first, you may find yourself making strong statements here about what that other person needs to do. For example, you might write, “I want her to be fired so we can get a good boss.” Or, “She needs to see a therapist so she can be a better person.” Or you could focus on an action you can take like, “I want to confront her about her actions so that she can hear how this is affecting me.” Or you might write, “I want to quit this job and find one with a great boss.” Go ahead and let those flow for a bit, because again, it’s important to honor what is in your head.
Step 6. What else?
Again, this question makes sure that you get everything expressed. Repeat it until you feel done.
Step 7. If I assume that s/he will not change, what do I want?
Ultimately, the truth is that this person may not be willing or able to change so you want to shift the power to you by looking at what is within your control. If you assume that this person will continue his or her behavior, what do you want? Since you have vented, you should feel calmer now and can really explore what it is that you really want.
Step 8. What is my mirror?
Brace yourself because this is the most challenging part of this journaling process. When something or someone really triggers us, and elicits in us that strong emotional reaction, it means that there is something there that is a mirror for us. Yikes! Don’t shoot the messenger, OK? But after you take a couple of breaths, you will see the truth in this. Have you ever noticed that someone that just frosts you to no end doesn’t seem to even phase another person? This has to do with the mirror and it’s the gift in this relationship that you are about to unwrap.
We call into our lives that which we need to transform in ourselves. Let me repeat that. We call into our lives that which we need to transform in ourselves.
So if you have called this person or incident in your life, there is something for you to transform here. This is great news! This situation, while upsetting, is at the heart of your own growth and development. So breathe, know that everything is unfolding for your highest and best good, and then look at whether this situation is a direct mirror or an inverse mirror. Be willing to take an honest look at yourself and you will be rewarded.
The Direct Mirror
When someone or something is a direct mirror, it means that the thing that bothers you is something that you do too. I know that is hard to hear but if you can hang in with this process, you will gain some valuable insight that is part of your transformation. So if your boss upsets you because she criticizes everyone, that means there is a part of yourself that is overly critical. It could be that your criticize others (possibly co-workers or maybe it’s your children, or your neighbors) or it could be that you have a strong inner critic and you beat yourself up a lot.
The Inverse Mirror
If someone or something is an inverse mirror, it means that the thing that bothers you is something you would never allow yourself to do or have. For example, if your boss is overly critical, it would mean that you never allow yourself to be critical. You may be nice to the point of denying your true feelings of upset about anyone or anything. So this person is showing you that you need to allow yourself a reasonable amount of criticism.
Only you will be able to flesh this out but take the time to journal about what the mirror is reflecting in you. I promise you will gain profound insight that will not only help you grow but will definitely transform the experience you are having of this situation.
Step 10. Repeat Steps 5, 6 & 7
Now that you have the insight of the mirror, repeat:
Step 5. What do I want?
Step 6. What else?
Step 7. If I assume that s/he will not change, what do I want?
I suspect you will find a profound shift in what you are feeling and what you want. You may still need to speak you truth or take actions that others may not agree with, but these will be cleaner now because the mirror has been brought to the surface.
Step 11. The Action Plan
The action plan allows you to take what you learned from journaling and move it into reality. Make a list of actions you will take, and by when you will take them. This section is really important because the feel-good feeling of journaling can sometimes lull us into a false sense of accomplishment. Exploring your feelings and discovering what you want is very powerful and that is why you will feel so much better by Step 6 but unless you take the actions that the journaling has revealed, you will slide back into the feelings that had you picking up your journal in the first place. (And that’s OK. Sometimes, we have to repeat this process a few times, and keep seeing our truth, before we get enough courage to take action.)
It’s a great idea to set dates for each item to keep you accountable and to keep things moving. And then all that is left is to implement your action plan.